Scene: An airplane cockpit. Donald Trump and Mike Pence are seated at the flight controls. We hear a jet engine warming up.
Trump: So this is your captain speaking, O.K.? And, I have to tell you, this flight is so overbooked, it’s crazy! Like, everyone wants to be on my flight! It’s incredible! And I’ve never even flown a plane before! And yet many, many people are saying that I’ll be winning with the flying big-league! I’ll win with the beautiful flying so much you won’t believe it! Nobody can fly like maybe I probably can! Nobody. But first we have to take off, and I must tell you, folks, the air-traffic controllers here are the worst—like, totally disgusting, O.K.? The rest of the world is laughing at our controllers, that’s how bad they are! The incompetence, you wouldn’t believe! O.K., here we go! What do I do first, Mike?
Pence: Um . . . apologize to the tower?
Trump: No, that’s not it. Stewardess, please take your seat, maybe on my lap, if you don’t mind the bumpy ride. Which is a joke, O.K., folks? I’m not going to go all locker room on her. I say that because I have great, great respect for women. Many of them are good people. Everyone ready?
(We hear the engines roar and then level off.)
Trump: Now, that was an incredible takeoff, right? I’m like that Hudson River pilot, Sully, O.K.? Only even better, because I had a beautiful takeoff and he crash-landed. Total loser.
Pence: Donald, you’re not flying the plane. My wife, Karen, is.
Trump: O.K., but that’s the beauty of me—I delegate. Your wife has a pilot’s license, and I don’t, because I don’t really need one. I’m like Limbergh. I actually did that phenomenal takeoff in my mind, because I have thoughts, O.K.? By the way, your wife really likes her candy, doesn’t she? People talk about it a lot, but I don’t know. I honestly don’t know if she likes her candy. Could be. Looks like it. Are there any snacks out there? Be right back. (A couple of beats) Wow. Look at all these passengers. It’s unbelievable, like, there must be five thousand of you, and that doesn’t include the ten thousand people who the terrible gate agents wouldn’t let on board. I’m not a big fan of gate agents, I can tell you that. They ought to be ashamed of themselves. They turned away thousands of people. Let the people board, let the people board! Right? Anyway, it’s so, so great to be here in the first-class cabin. We love our first-class passengers, believe me. We love them. And we love our vets. Where’s my vet? Where’s my vet? There he is! Without the legs. It’s a disgrace how he’s treated, he’s treated so badly, like you wouldn’t believe. But we love him. Like we love our Afro-Americans. Where’s my African-American? Oh, there you are. I didn’t see you, and you know why? I don’t see race. At least, not in Trump Tower. No way, because you people live in certain areas. I won’t say where, because it wouldn’t be very nice. O.K., hell. You live in hell. With the nasty drug deals and no schools and ninety-per-cent unemployment and rent-controlled apartments—and, by the way, these rent-controlled apartments? Give me a break, right? These people are living like royalty! Only in hell, just so you understand. (A beat) Right, here we go again. So rude, folks. Don’t hurt him. Let him go home to his war zone. That’s O.K. Free speech. We love free speech. Guaranteed by Paul Revere’s ride. But it’s sad. Very sad what’s happening in our country. We are so divided. Hit him again. In the face. He’s a professional agitator, folks. This guy was given a boarding pass by Crooked Hillary, I guarantee it. A hundred per cent.
Pence: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your co-pilot speaking. I’m afraid we’re going to have to return to the airport. Controllers everywhere are denying us access to airspace. Please fasten your seat belts in preparation for landing.
Trump: What a surprise. The corrupt air controllers are treating me very, very badly. But I’ll tell you this, folks—people that hit me, they go down. They go down big-league, trust me. O.K., folks, prepare for the most phenomenal landing in the history of the world. A landing like you won’t believe. When it’s over, you’ll be begging me, “Please, Mr. Trump, take us up again so we can have another beautiful landing.”
(We hear the engines start to decelerate.)
Trump: Um . . . where’s Karen?
Pence: Candy break.