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Even Longer Than ‘Obama’s Pauses’
Stephen Colbert returned from a weeklong break on Monday and dove into a takedown of President Trump’s rambling speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference on Saturday.
It was a historically long speech — but its most memorable moment may have come at the very beginning, when Trump shared a long, very tender embrace with an American flag onstage.
“He talked for two hours and two minutes, making it ‘the longest presidential oration in American history.’ Which is impressive, because some of Obama’s pauses were almost an hour.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, quoting from an article in The Atlantic
“He is dry humping Old Glory! I believe that is the first time a flag has ever volunteered to be burned. Just full Kevorkian.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Jimmy Kimmel made fun of the entire conference, which gathers many of the major players in conservative politics but particularly those on the far right.
“CPAC, if you’re not familiar, is basically what would happen if Judge Jeanine Pirro headlined the Fyre Festival. It’s a lot of very angry white people.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“It is the largest gathering of people who believe vaccines are witchcraft in the world.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
Kimmel Doesn’t Think ‘Scott’ Is So Great
Kimmel said he wasn’t impressed with the official name of the winter storm that swept the country over the weekend.
“We’re sending warm wishes to those of you who are digging your way out of Winter Storm Scott. Why’d they name a storm ‘Scott’? I really don’t know. Probably someone at the Weather Channel forgot to get their nephew a birthday present.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“When I hear Scott, I think of a co-worker who uses the microwave to heat fish. Scott isn’t a storm name.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Scott’s the name of your mom’s new boyfriend, not a storm.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
Colbert Catches Up on Cohen’s Testimony
Colbert zeroed in on a moment when Cohen described talking to the first lady, Melania Trump, on the president’s behalf about his reported affair with the pornographic film actress Stormy Daniels.
“Always the sign of a healthy relationship. [impersonating Trump] ‘Babe, I never cheated on you. Now, I would prefer any further questions about my affection and my loyalty go to my lawyer, who has prepared a signed affidavit attesting that I love you.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT