Earth: Updated Terms and Conditions ~ The New Yorker

Congratulations! You are a proud inhabitant of Earth™. Because of recent customer feedback, we have updated our terms and conditions. (We thought a lot of this went without saying, but our lawyers are insisting that we clear a few things up.)

You get one (1) Earth™. If you permanently damage your Earth™, you will not be able to trade it in for a new one.

This product is pre-used, but it is not refurbished. It has been maintained in near-mint condition for 4.5 billion years. Please keep it this way.

Earth™ is not supposed to get too hot. If you think Earth™ is overheating, DO NOT assume that there is a big fan inside Earth™ to cool it down like a computer. Earth™ is NOT a computer. Earth™ is also NOT a computer simulation (but that would be really cool).

If Earth™ gets too hot, work together to figure out what’s happening. DO NOT tell people that Earth™ is better when it’s hot. DO NOT tell people that Earth™ was kind of cold today, so how could it be getting hotter? That’s like saying, “I’m not hungry right now, so I guess I won’t be hungry ever again.” It’s a dumb thing to say. Don’t say it.

This used to be a nude Earth™, strictly clothing-free. You are now permitted to wear clothing, but please DO NOT force other animals (i.e., your pets) to do the same. It is cruel and weird.

By inhabiting Earth™, you acknowledge that you share this product with more than eight million other species. Be respectful of your fellow-users of Earth™. Please eat them only if you absolutely have to.

You may have heard that Earth™ used to be home to creatures called “dinosaurs.” They were too scary, so we sent an asteroid to get rid of them. Should you get too scary, we reserve the right to do the same thing to you.

Earth™ is home to tall pieces of land called mountains. Some of these mountains are solely meant to be looked at, not climbed. PLEASE REFRAIN from climbing the tallest mountains. Why would you do that? There are many other fun things to do on Earth™ that aren’t the most dangerous thing to do.

Peeing in the ocean is both allowed and encouraged.

Earth™ is hurtling through space at sixty-seven thousand miles per hour. So there is no reason to spend extra money on a fast car. You are already going really, really fast. This is not a rule but a solid recommendation.

Earth™ is not flat. Jesus.

We encourage you to leave Earth™ and explore the surrounding planets. Travelling is fun! However, we hope that you do this out of curiosity and not out of necessity. If you are having problems with Earth™, your first solution should not be “Let’s find a new Earth™.” DO NOT run away from your problems.

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