Stephen Colbert Introduces G.O.P.’s New Mascot, the Ostrich ~ NYT

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Last Friday, the House Judiciary Committee approved two articles of impeachment against President Trump. The 23-17 vote, Stephen Colbert noted, was strictly along partisan lines.

“That’s right — not one Republican evidently has a problem with the president blackmailing a foreign government to get dirt on a political opponent. In a related story, the G.O.P. has changed its mascot from an elephant to an ostrich.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

Then on Monday, in a 658-page report, the Democrat-led committee formally made its case for impeachment ahead of the full House vote, scheduled for Wednesday. (If the House impeaches Trump, as expected, he will be tried in the Republican-led Senate.)

“But in that master report, there was a 20-page dissent from Republicans. That’s 638 pages for impeachment, 20 against. If you put those stacks next to each other, it looks like Dwayne Johnson standing next to Kevin Hart.” — JIMMY FALLON

“[Senator Lindsey] Graham told a crowd this weekend, ‘I have made up my mind. I’m not trying to pretend to be a fair juror here.’ Really? You should at least pretend.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“They’re supposed to be the jury and they’re literally going on T.V. admitting they’re not going to be impartial, and they’re going to take their orders from the president. Only in the Senate can you openly brag that you’re not pretending to be a fair juror.” — SETH MEYERS

“How is that O.K.? That’s like one of the jurors standing up at the beginning of a trial and saying, ‘Your honor, we think the defendant is a really good guy, and we’re going to be coordinating with him throughout the trial. We’d also like to give him his knife back.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Every year, the Hallmark Channel releases its Christmas movie lineup as a reminder that the Hallmark Channel exists. This year, they’ve also decided to release some controversy.” — TREVOR NOAH

“In 2019, a conservative group complained because of an ad that showed two women kissing? What are you getting mad for? They’re kissing at their wedding; it’s the last time they’ll ever kiss, relax.” — TREVOR NOAH

“I got to say that ad is upsetting. They’re standing in front of decorative prelit trees, but the room also has an elaborate wooden mantle — what’s the aesthetic here, classic evening or rustic chic? Pick a lane, ladies! I can’t have my kids seeing this.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Now, Hallmark caved immediately, saying, ‘The Hallmark brand is never going to be divisive. We don’t want to generate controversy.’ We know — we’ve seen your movies. Hallmark doesn’t generate controversy, character growth, dramatic tension, or leading roles for black people.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

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