Colbert on Ukraine Evidence: ‘You Don’t Write the Crime Down, You Dummy’

Credit…CBS

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On Tuesday, just a day before the House’s articles of impeachment against President Trump were delivered to the Senate, Democrats released new evidence that had been turned over by Lev Parnas, a Ukrainian businessman. He provided handwritten notes (some on Ritz-Carlton stationery) and other records detailing his work with Rudy Giuliani, Trump’s personal lawyer, to pressure Ukraine’s president into announcing an investigation of Joe Biden.

Credit…CreditVideo by The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday, the House Intelligence Committee released materials that they got from Parnas that have been described as ‘a trove of ridiculously incriminating impeachment evidence.’ That’s pretty bad, because when it comes to Trump crime, the scale goes: incriminating, very incriminating, ridiculously incriminating and Rudy on merlot.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“It turns out that one of Rudy Giuliani’s associates, Lev Parnas, actually wrote a note that said, ‘Get Zelensky to announce that the Biden case will be investigated.’ Trump was furious. He was like, ‘You stayed at the Ritz instead of one of my hotels?’” — JIMMY FALLON

“Seriously? They wrote down the plot of their crime and then kept it? That is a literal paper trail.” — TREVOR NOAH

Credit…Credit Video by The Daily Show with Trevor Noah

“You don’t write the crime down, you dummy! It didn’t help that the next note was ‘leave paper trail of impeachable offenses’ and ‘steal Ritz-Carlton stationery.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“In the final note, in big, bold letters at the bottom of the page, Parnas writes what is perhaps the most incriminating word of all: ‘Rudy.’ You have to write it down because if you say his name three times, he appears on Fox News and incriminates you in a crime.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“These guys are a lot dumber than the criminals on T.V. Those criminals are always using burner phones and switching cars, meeting in back alleys. In real life, these guys were texting each other and putting up posters on telephone poles that said, ‘Looking for thugs to do crimes. This is for Trump as citizen, not as president. He is my friend, here is picture of us.’” — SETH MEYERS

“Following last night’s debate, Senator Elizabeth Warren appeared to turn down a handshake from Senator Bernie Sanders — also, a foot rub from Joe Biden.” — SETH MEYERS

“Warren accuses Sanders of calling her a liar. Then he says she called him a liar. Look, there is a very easy way to settle this: You’re politicians, you’re both liars.” — JAMES CORDEN

“There’s been a lot of speculation about what was being said. Some said they weren’t arguing, some said she didn’t want to shake Bernie’s hand because it smells like Brylcreem and gefilte fish.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

Credit…Credit Video by Jimmy Kimmel Live

“Bernie looks like a Delta gate agent who caught someone in zone two trying to board in zone one.” — JIMMY FALLON

“This was the last debate before the Iowa caucus, and if we’re having fights, they should be about how to protect reproductive rights and how to fight gun violence and how Biden looks like he got run through the ‘Irishman’ de-aging machine.” — SAMANTHA BEE

“And by the way, how cute is Tom Steyer? He is like oblivious to the whole tense situation. He‘s just — he’s so cheerful. He’s just like: ‘Wow, what a fun debate, guys. You guys thinking what I am thinking — T.G.I. Fridays? No, Bernie? Applebee’s? What do you want?’” — TREVOR NOAH

“I mean, for socialists they’re not very social.” — JAMES CORDEN

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