‘I Didn’t Start the Fire’
President Trump continues to use his daily White House coronavirus briefings for his own purposes, Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday, calling them “little rallies where he rambles incoherently and attacks the press.”
He was referring to a briefing that lasted more than two hours on Monday, during which the president pushed back against reports about his halting response to the pandemic. Trump also said he had total authority to decide when the country would reopen, though he had left it up to governors to lock down their respective states.
“The only purpose of the press briefing is to give valuable information to a confused public in the middle of a national crisis, so, of course, Trump used it to brag about himself. It’s like if the fireman showed up to your burning house, and instead of picking up a hose he said, ‘Wow, this inferno is the perfect backdrop for my one-man show about how it’s not my fault that your house is burning down. And a five, six, seven, eight: [sings] I didn’t start the fire! It was always burning but you didn’t listen.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“He was almost foaming at the mouth. He was huffing and puffing so much, you’d think he’d just done a sit-up.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“But true to his word, Trump did have a list of what he did to fight the coronavirus in February, and in a ‘Late Show’ exclusive, I’ve got it right here. It includes: ‘a lot’; ‘banged pots in case virus is like bears’; ‘sent virus $130,000 to make it go away’; ‘wrote angry letter to the prime minister of Corona’; ‘socially distanced Eric’ — that’s smart; ‘called virus “little covi” on Twitter’; and ‘put off everything until March.’ Let’s have that note notarized and sent to the Library of Congress, please.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“OK, just so we’re on the same page, Trump has now promised us a list of all the preparations he took in February, and an explanation of why he has total power as the president. And I’m assuming he’ll deliver all of those pieces of paper when he sends over his tax returns and his high school report on ‘To Kill a Mockingbird.’ Yeah, at this point, Trump has more pages to release than George R.R. Martin. Where’s the final book, George? You’ve been stuck at home with nothing else to do!” — TREVOR NOAH
The Punchiest Punchlines (Long-Awaited Endorsement Edition)
“Yes, my friends, Barack Obama has officially endorsed Joe Biden. Now, I know some people think it’s weird Obama waited this long to give Biden his blessing, but really this is just his African side coming out. This is really what African fathers do. ‘Now that you have taken on your enemies by yourself, you are a man today. Now I can call you my son.’” — TREVOR NOAH
“It’s the first time someone used a virtual background to make it look like they’re not at the beach.” — SETH MEYERS
“Obama said he knew Biden was the right candidate once he was absolutely sure Michelle wasn’t running.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Some are saying Obama’s endorsement came late, given that he waited until Joe Biden had the nomination. It’s like endorsing Tom Brady for quarterback of the Buccaneers.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“I like how Obama endorsed Biden now. That’s like waiting until there’s one second left in the Super Bowl and saying ‘OK, I’m rooting for the Chiefs, just for the record.’” — JIMMY FALLON
The Bits Worth Watching
“Conan” couldn’t get Dr. Anthony S. Fauci, so the show got the next best thing.