The Incubation Room
The White House ordered West Wing staff members to wear masks on Monday after a military valet and Katie Miller, a spokeswoman for Mike Pence and the wife of the presidential adviser Stephen Miller, tested positive for Covid-19. Although Trump, Pence, and senior members of their administration have declined to isolate themselves, Dr. Anthony Fauci and two other top administration health officials decided to self-quarantine for the next two weeks.
“Mr. President, the virus is calling from inside the house — get out of there! Seriously, get out of there. You’re doing a terrible job.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“No, Dr. Fauci, we need you. If you’re not around, all the health decisions are going to be made by Jared Kushner, the MyPillow guy, and William Barr in a sexy nurse costume.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“This is super serious. Katie Miller has attended nearly all of the White House coronavirus task force meetings in the situation room, which they’ve now temporarily rechristened ‘the incubation room.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Trump is upset about the outbreak at the White House. According to officials, he was annoyed to learn that Ms. Miller tested positive. He was really annoyed. As soon as he found out, he sent her an irritable arrangement.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“The White House announced yesterday that despite one of Vice President Mike Pence’s senior staff testing positive for the coronavirus, Pence will not isolate himself. But in his defense, you can’t catch it if you never breathe. [imitating Mike Pence] ‘No, no thank you. Oxygen is the devil’s gas.’” — SETH MEYERS
“If we were living in a story or a fable, this would be the moment where the mean old miser finally has a change of heart and throws money at some kid to go buy a goose for the festival or something. But this is Donald Trump — there’s no change of heart. There’s no learning curve. If this was a Choose Your Own Adventure story, the bottom of every page would say, ‘Just go to the next page.’” — SETH MEYERS
“And I won’t lie — I’m not surprised that this started in Stephen Miller’s house. That dude has always given off major bitten-by-a-bat vibes.” — TREVOR NOAH
The Punchiest Punchlines (Scary Edition)
“In a new interview, a White House senior adviser said it was, quote, ‘scary’ to go to work after two fellow staffers tested positive last week for the coronavirus. Said the adviser, ‘Before this, it was just embarrassing.’” — SETH MEYERS
“But by all means, let’s send everyone else back to work.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“The coronavirus is now officially in the White House, and that’s scary. Although if it’s like everything else that lands in the White House, it won’t last more than a few weeks.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Really? You work in the most tested place in the world and you’re scared? Hey, I’ve got a spooky story for you: you’re driving on the highway late at night, when suddenly, a hideous old man rises up in your back seat and says, [imitating Trump] ‘You should go back to your job at the meat packing plant — Donny want burger.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
Jimmy Kimmel’s Monday night monologue shared the story of his dramatic Mother’s Day weekend involving Mike Pence.