Feds in Unmarked Van Looking for Suspicious Characters Pick Up Jared Kushner ~ The New Yorker

Senior Advisor to the President Jared Kushner.
Photograph by Olivier Douliery / AFP / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what the Department of Homeland Security is calling “an unfortunate incident,” federal agents in an unmarked van who were looking for suspicious characters snatched Jared Kushner off the street.

According to the agents, the van was patrolling the vicinity of the White House when they spotted a “shifty-eyed male” who “didn’t look right.”

“He checked all the boxes for suspicious,” one of the agents said. “He definitely didn’t look like someone who should be anywhere near the White House.”

Despite the protests of a screaming Kushner, the agents loaded him into the van and sped away to an undisclosed location.

According to White House sources, Kushner was missing for several hours before anyone in the West Wing realized he was gone.

His disappearance was finally noticed late in the afternoon, when members of the White House coronavirus task force observed that their daily meeting had gone “more smoothly than usual.”

Speaking to reporters about the Kushner incident, the acting head of the Department of Homeland Security, Chad Wolf, said that the practice of picking up random people on the street and putting them in unmarked vans is a “terrific idea,” but acknowledged that it might need to be “tweaked.”

“Our agents need to be given much more explicit guidance about who qualifies as a suspicious character, or Stephen Miller could be next,” he said.


Daily Cartoon: Tuesday, July 21stA24481.jpg


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