Late Night Wonders How Trump Is Reacting to the D.N.C. Speeches ~ NYT

Biden and Friends

The Democratic National Convention brought in some high-profile speakers on Wednesday, including Barack Obama, Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton.

“That’s like Trump’s entire list of enemies,” Jimmy Fallon said of the president. “The White House must have restrained him tonight like he was Hannibal Lecter.”

“Of course, this week marks 100 years since women gained the right to vote, and tonight there was a powerhouse lineup of speakers including Nancy Pelosi, Elizabeth Warren, Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris. It is going to be tough for the Republicans to match that. All they’ve got are Ivanka, Betsy DeVos and a disturbing sculpture Eric Trump calls Lady Dad.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“And of course, Hillary Clinton also spoke tonight. She was the only speaker to kick things off by slowly putting out a cigar and saying, ‘Well, well, well.’” — JIMMY FALLON

“But former President Obama closed out tonight, and he talked about the current state our country is in and how Joe Biden can lead us out of it. Then he just said a bunch of words Trump can’t pronounce — [imitating Barack Obama] ‘Yosemite. Uh, Thailand. Uh, Minneapolis.’” — JIMMY FALLON

“Oh my God, he’s really there. It’s everything I miss — Obama, the Constitution, a president, hair cuts. He looks so fresh!” — STEPHEN COLBERT

The Punchiest Punchlines (Calamari Edition)

“There have been some memorable moments, from Bernie’s speech in front of the national strategic firewood reserve to Michelle Obama’s powerful address to the guy from Rhode Island apparently holding a plate of calamari hostage? [Imitating the Rhode Island delegate] ‘Give us the money or you’ll never see this plate of fried squid again.’” — SETH MEYERS

“[As the Rhode Island delegate] Rhode Island, which as we all know everyone calls the Calamari Comeback State, is proud to cast its vote for Joe Biden. I’m votin’ for Joe because Trump has had four years as president and I haven’t seen him eat calamari once, and that is unacceptable. Joe, meanwhile, seems like the kind of guy who eats nothing but calamari, like me. I eat calamari for breakfast, lunch and dinner. There ain’t nothing better in this world than having morning coffee while enjoying some microwaved calamari at 7 a.m.” — JIMMY FALLON

“[As the delegate] Here are the issues that are important to me: No. 1, does the president eat calamari? And No. 2, that’s it.” — JIMMY FALLON

“OK, first of all, it is so awesome that Rhode Island has a state appetizer. I mean, technically, New York has one, too, but it’s that liquid that drips off a building into your mouth by accident. Yeah. I never look up to see where it comes from because as long as you don’t know, there’s still a chance that it’s just water. Man, please let it be water.” — TREVOR NOAH

“But the thing about the Rhode Island guy is he could totally be making up this calamari thing, and nobody knows enough about Rhode Island to call him on it. I mean, he could have said, ‘Rhode Island is the only state where Shaquille O’Neal can legally own a convertible,’ and I would have been like, ‘Oh, that’s cool. I didn’t know that.’” — TREVOR NOAH

“[As the Rhode Island delegate] Calamari is the most perfect food in existence. It tastes like rubbery chicken circles that you left out in the rain. And we need a president that brings that rubbery, chickeny, left-out-in-the-rainy spirit to the White House.” — JIMMY FALLON

“[As the delegate] When Joe Biden is sworn into office, I want his hand to be placed on this here plate of calamari, and for him to promise to protect calamari with all his might, from our many enemies that want to steal our nation’s most precious resource, calamari.” — JIMMY FALLON

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