STEPHEN COLBERT CELEBRATES TRUMP’S FINAL DEBATE

“Counting the 2016 Republican primary, we’ve watched him do that 16 times,” Colbert said. “It’s excruciating. It’s like dental surgery and tonight was like getting our last wisdom tooth taken out.”

“Counting the 2016 Republican primary, we’ve watched him do that 16 times,” Colbert said. “It’s excruciating. It’s like dental surgery and tonight was like getting our last wisdom tooth taken out.”
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“Counting the 2016 Republican primary, we’ve watched him do that 16 times,” Colbert said. “It’s excruciating. It’s like dental surgery and tonight was like getting our last wisdom tooth taken out.”Credit…CBS

By Trish Bendix

Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and Stephen Colbert went live on Thursday after what Kimmel referred to as “The Thrilla’ in Nashvilla, the second and final presidential debate, and probably the last time Joe Biden and Donald Trump will ever talk to each other.”

Colbert, “The Late Show” host, remarked how thrilled he was to never see Trump on the debate stage again.

“Counting the 2016 Republican primary, we’ve watched him do that 16 times,” he said. “It’s excruciating. It’s like dental surgery and tonight was like getting our last wisdom tooth taken out.”

“In the lead-up to the debate, the president’s advisers pleaded with him to be softer. Soft he can do. I’ve seen the man in tennis shorts.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“That’s right, tonight we saw an all new Trump. Instead of shouting baseless accusations, he whispered them.” — JIMMY FALLON

“The debate tonight was not the ‘WrestleMania’ event most people were expecting. I think maybe somebody swapped Trump’s Adderall out for Tylenol.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Donald Trump, by the way, is the only president who gets marks for good behavior. He’s like when you bring a 2-year-old on a plane.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“For the most part, things were pretty civil compared to the first debate, which was basically a U.F.C. fight on meth.” — JIMMY FALLON

“If the first debate was sponsored by Red Bull, this one was sponsored by NyQuil.” — JIMMY FALLON

“Tonight’s debate had six topics: fighting Covid-19, national security, American families, race in America, climate change and whether Rudy Giuliani was actually tucking in his shirt.” — JIMMY FALLON

“And Americans have a tough choice to make now: Do they vote for Joe Biden on Nov. 3? Or do they vote for him early, because the ultimate mute button is in your hands.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“On Tuesday, Trump got angry and cut his interview with Lesley Stahl short. Today, he released the full interview himself — ‘the dictator’s cut,’ if you will.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“With less than two weeks until the election, as the pandemic rages out of control and millions of Americans suffer the pain of loss and economic hardship, the president of the United States has apparently decided to make his closing message ‘The TV lady was very mean to me.’” — SETH MEYERS

“He’s the most powerful man in the world and he spends his time making bootleg episodes of ’60 Minutes.’” — JIMMY FALLON

“Sorry, that’s your big gotcha, that video? You couldn’t handle that rhetorical question? It’s like a boxing ref asking if you’re ready for a good, clean fight and responding, ‘No, I’m gonna bite his ear because I’m bad at boxing.’” — SETH MEYERS, on Lesley Stahl’s asking Trump if he could handle answering “tough questions”

[Imitating Trump] You know, if I had known you were going to ask tough questions, I would have done the interview with Mario Lopez instead.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Nobody is supposed to answer ‘no’ to the question ‘Are you ready for some tough questions?’. You don’t answer ‘no’ to that. It’s like at a concert. When they go: ‘Are you ready to rock?’ no one in the crowd is like, ‘No thanks, Mr. Bon Jovi!’” — TREVOR NOAH

“But Lesley is partly to blame for this one. You can’t start a question to Donald Trump with ‘Are you ready for’ and not end with ‘some football!’” — JAMES CORDEN

“Only Donald Trump would think he could choose the level of difficulty of his interview questions. It’s like picking the spiciness of his Chinese food. [As Trump] ‘Let me get those questions extra mild, please. I don’t want anything that can make me sweat.’” — TREVOR NOAH

“It’s amazing somehow that it was easier for Trump to release unauthorized footage from a major television network than it was for him to release his own taxes.” — JAMES CORDEN

“Trump tried to embarrass Lesley by leaking a video of her asking tough questions. Isn’t that her job? Next he’s gonna embarrass Bobby Flay by leaking videos of him making paella.” — JIMMY FALLON

“I mean, think about it: Almost a quarter-million Americans have died from Covid-19 under his watch. What was he expecting from this interview? [As Stahl] ‘Mr. President, a pandemic has ravaged the country, millions are still out of work, so my question is, Coke or Pepsi?’” — TREVOR NOAH

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