November 13, 2020
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—The United States is celebrating a full week of Donald J. Trump not talking, Americans have confirmed.
From coast to coast, Americans are savoring their freedom from Trump’s utterances for the first time since 2015.
“As much as I wanted Trump to lose, I had no idea that losing would make him stop talking,” Carol Foyler, who lives in Pittsburgh, said. “I feel like I’ve won the lottery.”
Tracy Klugian, who lives in Minneapolis, was more guarded in her ecstasy. “I want to celebrate Trump not talking, but I guess I’m afraid to,” she said. “He’s been quiet for a week, and I don’t want to do anything to jinx that.”
But Harland Dorrinson, a resident of St. Louis, felt that an occasion as momentous as Trump being silent for a week “must be honored.”
“I believe that we’re living through an important moment in history,” he said. “Someday, people will ask, ‘Where were you when Donald Trump stopped talking?’ ”