WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Pentagon has turned down Donald J. Trump’s request for a grand military parade in Washington, D.C., citing a sudden outbreak of bone spurs that would prevent men and women in uniform from participating.
Harland Dorrinson, a Pentagon spokesman, said that, within an hour of Trump’s request, more than a hundred thousand military personnel complained that they were suffering from acute cases of bone spurs that would make marching in such a parade a painful ordeal.
“In the history of the U.S. military, we have never experienced a bone-spur epidemic of this magnitude,” the spokesman said. “Regrettably, however, we have no choice but to issue thousands of deferments.”
A statement from the bone-spur sufferers said that they would continue to valiantly serve their country around the world in a non-marching capacity, and offered an alternative to their participation in Trump’s proposed pageant.
“President Trump is welcome to march in the parade all by himself if he would finally like to enlist,” the statement read.
Twenty previously unknown poems by Pablo Neruda have been discovered by the Pablo Neruda Foundation in Santiago, Chile. Seix Barral, Neruda’s Barcelona-based publisher, announced the news on Wednesday. Elena Ramirez, the company’s editorial director, called it “”the biggest find in Spanish literature in recent years,” and emphasized “the extremely high quality” of several of the poems.
Researchers at the foundation came across the poems while cataloging Neruda’s manuscripts, which are stored in boxes at the foundation’s library. The earliest dates from 1956. “It has not been possible to date all these poems, because they don’t all carry the date on which they were written; the poet only dated them in some cases,” Darío Oses, the director of the foundation’s library, said on the foundation’s website.
Six of the new works are love poems. The rest deal with a variety of subjects. Seix Barral, in Barcelona, plans to publish an annotated edition under the title “Poemas Inéditos: Pablo Neruda” later this year in Latin America and in early 2015 in Spain. An excerpt from an untitled 1964 poem was published in Spanish in the newspaper El País.
“These are not just any poems,” the poet and scholar Pere Gimferrer, who helped confirm the authenticity of the material and is working with Seix Barral on its publication, said in the publisher’s announcement. They bear comparison with his mature work, he said, showing the same “imaginative power and expressive abundance” found in such works as “Elemental Odes,” “La Barcalora,” “The Memorial of Isla Negra” and “Estravagario.”
Neruda, who won the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1971, died (murdered?) in 1973 at 69.